


Good Morning, Schitt's Creek

by Basingstoke



Series: Welcome to Schitt's Creek, Where Everyone Fits In [1]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Welcome to Night Vale Setting, Gen, M/M, Post-Canon, Welcome to Night Vale News Program Format, all-seeing eyes, eternal warriors, smoothies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24972949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basingstoke/pseuds/Basingstoke
Summary: Ray straightens his notes, turns on his microphone, and opens every single eye. "Good morning, Schitt's Creek!" he says cheerfully.
Series: Welcome to Schitt's Creek, Where Everyone Fits In [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1807564
Comments: 14
Kudos: 71





	Good Morning, Schitt's Creek

Ray straightens his notes, turns on his microphone, and opens every single eye. "Good morning, Schitt's Creek!" he says cheerfully. "What a wonderful morning it is! The 4 AM thunderstorm has washed away the traces of the 1 AM bloodstorm. The motel is fully booked once again! And Twyla, in Cafe Tropical, reports that this morning's meadow harvest is exceptionally _interesting_ , so make sure to stop by for a green smoothie." 

He picks up his smoothie and looks into the murk. An eye looks back. He sets it down. "Yes, those smoothies sure are lively and nutritious. Today in traffic: a truck fell into the sinkhole on Elm Arbor Road. It hasn't yet reached the bottom! Stop by the vortex behind Bob's Garage later today to see the smash. It should be a big one. And tomorrow, don't forget, the annual Mennonite stampede will cross the highway leading out of town. Do not try to leave town." He blinks, refocusing as the fires ignite behind his eyes. " _DO NOT TRY TO LEAVE TOWN_ ," he repeats. 

Ray takes a sip of his smoothie, making it audible for the radio. "Mm! My goodness, Twyla, that's refreshing. The poison ivy gives it quite a tingle! Try it with a zucchini muffin or the cafe's famed green curry for a verdant treat!" He sips again as the fires bank inside him. "So that's traffic. Today the Mayor consults the crows to discover the order of the months in the upcoming year. Reminder: September has thirty days, so January is coming sooner than you think! The transition from fall to the depth of winter can be bracing. Not nearly as startling as three years ago when we went straight from December to August, though. The ice didn't know what to do with itself! Stop by Rose Apothecary for a warm cat hair sweater should you be in need of winter layers." 

Several of his eyes widen at the thought of Rose Apothecary. "And speaking of our local celebrities! Newlyweds Patrick and David are preparing their lovely home for a visit from Patrick's parents! Oh, to be so lucky as to stay in the home of Patrick and David. Patrick was a perfect roommate, simply perfect. As you know," Ray says, leaning into the microphone, "my guest room is under a powerful curse that must be constantly fed with the blood of innocents. I cannot say what a load it is on my heart, hearing the dying screams of young Outsiders as they face the terror that lives beneath my charming ironbound bedroom set. The year-long hiatus in the slaughter was the most relaxing time of my life. And to see Patrick in action was a thing of beauty! The bone knives! The whips of tentacle leather! Ah," he sighs, leaning back and shaking his head. 

"But we cannot deny the call of love, even for an Eternal Warrior. Just as the legendary Dame Marcy settled down with her true love, so has her son Patrick settled down with his new husband. Right now they are drinking coffee and discussing whether the rain will spoil their picnic. The clouds intended to continue, but...yes, there they go, chased off by the elemental spirits that protect the Roses. Oh, they have also diverted the falling truck! It's landed on its wheels behind Bob's Garage, just in time to spill its cargo in front of the Mayor. He has tripped over a live turtle and fallen on his face in the mud." Ray chuckles. "Oh dear! What a mess. Soak your shirt in some cold water, Roland." 

Ray turns the page. "The local school has announced that this year's exchange program will be with Londinium, the outpost of the Roman Empire, in the year 49! A highly educational trip for our youngsters and an uncomprehending nightmare for the young Britons we hurl two thousand years into the future. They won't know _how_ to deal with television, modern fabrics, and motor vehicles. Best of luck to our young adults and to the terrified teens of England. I will volunteer to put a guest up in my guest room! Who knows! Maybe a young Patrick will be among them. I still have the bulk of his armory in storage, so the children will have their pick of bedtime swords! Now, local ads." 

The local ads play for some time. Ray leans back in his chair and watches the town with his many, many eyes. He chuckles and returns to the microphone after the ads. "So this is very amusing," Ray says. "Patrick, the Eternal Warrior, has bumped into Ronnie outside the post office. Ronnie, as you know, is made of bees, so she has the tendency to discorporate when in the presence of Patrick's spirit wind. So many arguments! They're just like oil and water. Now Ronnie has promised to sting Patrick while he's on his picnic. She's telling him that ripping out her own intestines with her stinger is worth it to ruin his day. Patrick is apologizing, but Ronnie still carries a grudge from last season's slow-pitch baseball win. She says that--oh dear. She says the Eternal Warrior cheated," Ray whispers. He can't believe his eyes. "Oh no, Schitt's Creek. This is terrible. A cheating scandal! Can it be?" 

Ray sips his smoothie--the sediment is starting to settle out--and listens. "Ronnie says that David Rose's slide home was aided by a spirit wind. Patrick--oh dear, citizens--Patrick agrees! But he says it was one of the elemental spirits that watch over the Roses, not him." Ray gasps. "He's swearing on his tibia knife! Oh, Ronnie, you must believe him! He carved that knife from a bone from his own leg! Nothing could be more sacred. And...yes, she's nodding. She accepts the explanation! And she acknowledges that with a Rose on each side, it can't be considered cheating!"

Ray falls back into his desk chair, taking the microphone with him. "Citizens! I haven't been so tense since Jocelyn faced down the Doodlebop army to free Bret Michaels from their clutches. Well! I hope you all can carry on after that. I will need a restorative walk around town. I hope to see you all picking up turtles behind Bob's Garage. Good morning, Schitt's Creek!" 

Ray turns off the microphone and saves the file to edit and put out as a podcast later. Well! What an exciting morning. He closes all but two of his eyes and sighs.


End file.
